Weekend

A very boring weekend. Spent the entire weekend by myself, mostly napping and reading and trying to keep cool and dry thru the hot, humid, t-stormy weather. It's kinda weird having no-one to talk to except myself, any interactions I have with others right now is pretty much limited to business transactions "That will be $4.45". "Change is 55 cents" "Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart" . And I'm getting tired of talking to myself. I keep running thru scenarios in my head. I wonder what would have happened if I had done this or that. What might happen if I do this or that. Why the hell did I do this or that. And then sometimes I just sit and cry, I don't really know why, but it just starts and won't stop. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm losing something. I can't seem to make sense of things anymore. People at work ask me to do something and the words just don't seem to make any sense. I'm sitting here staring at a script I wrote a year ago and it doesn't make sense. I need to modify it slightly, they want an extra option, but I can't figure out how or why. I can't get to sleep at night, I read for hours and finally doze off, then I wake up suddenly and can't get back to sleep because I'm wide awake. But sitting here at work I keep falling asleep. I've hit my head on my keyboard twice today. If I have to drive much over 15 minutes I find myself nodding off and have to pull over to the side and get up and walk for a few minutes before I can drive on again. It seems like all I do is sit at my desk at work and stare at the computer screen or I'm sitting in my car trying to sleep or I'm sleeping while I'm trying to drive. And that's about all I do. And my thoughts keep going around and around in the same track. Why did I do this. Why didn't I do that. What could I have done differently. My boss has called me several times today asking me about this or that project that I'm supposed to be doing, and I just don't have an answer and I don't seem to care that I don't have an answer and I don't care that I don't care that I don't have an answer. I've gone from not delegating any work at all to delegating everything. I just don't care anymore. Doesn't seem to matter what or if I do anything, nothing works, nothing changes, nothing matters anymore. I thought I had my life fairly well sorted out and knew what I was doing and where I was going, but now all that is gone and I'm just drifting. I can't get to where I want to go and I don't want to go anywhere else and the obstacles between me and where I want to go are just so huge and so out of my control that there's no way I'm ever going to get there. And it wasn't all that long ago that my road to the goal was clear and everything was moving in the right direction and the goal was getting closer. Now I don't have a snowballs chance in hell of making any of my goals. And I STILL don't know what happened to change everything. Its like I went to bed one night and everything was peachy and when I woke up in the morning everything was shot to hell. Its like I never woke up from a nightmare. I run and I run in my nightmare but my feet just slip on the ground and I never go anywhere. I talk to people, I scream for help in my nightmare but no sound comes out of my mouth. I reach out to grab a lifeline in my nightmare and I don't have any hands. People talk to me in my nightmare and I only hear gibberish, or maybe Etruscan, I can't tell the difference anyways. If I'm not already insane I think I will be soon. I just don't get it. And the only person I can talk to about it is myself. And I just don't get it.