Sometime again

I don't really quite want to say "goodbye", because that implies finality.

I've decided I need some space to heal and get back on my feet.  Over the last few months I've noticed that when I'm around family and friends and familiar locations I tend to get and stay rather depressed because of all the memories.  The only times I've been able to make any progress are those few weeks when I've been able to get out of the area and be forced to focus on doing new and different things.  And then as soon as I return it doesn't take much to rip the scabs off and start things bleeding again.

So, I'm leaving Minnesota.  Sure, someday, Lord willing, I will get back for short visits, but that probably won't be for quite a while.  I'm going to start over, make some new friends, learn some new habits, see some new places, make some new memories to lay over the old ones, let the wounds heal.

I think it was Alfred Bester that said something like "The mind goes back, but time goes on, and farewells should be forever".  For some friends, this farewell may be forever, because it is probably the only way that my wounds might heal.   I hate to say it, but the wounds aren't healing.  I think they are and then a memory gets stirred and they break out anew.  But I am really hoping that those "forever farewells" will be in the minority (maybe none???), and maybe in a few years we will will be able to renew our friendship.  I really do hope so, but I can't see that far in the future.  Right now, I can only see that today I am starting a new day, and I have my entire life ahead of me, and I need to get busy living it.

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
The rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

And may we meet sometime again in friendship and trust.

Earle

Out

Well, after 20 days as a guest of Itasca County I'm now back on the outside.  This morning when the sheriff woke me at 6 AM he asked why I wasn't ready.  I told him there were several reasons: my calendar (in my head) was off a day; and besides, why would I want to leave?  3 hots and a cot; it could be a lot worse.  On the outside I have to decide what to eat, what to wear, and where to sleep.  On the inside I eat when and where I'm told, sleep when and where I'm told, wear what I'm told (hot pink underclothes and fluorescent orange shirt and pants and sandals).  On the plus side, there's a bit more privacy on the outside (zero privacy on the inside).

So now, I have 3 major problems: Address, Job, Transportation (in alphabetical order).  I need a place to live to get a job; I need a job to get a place to live, and I need reliable and economical transportation to and from work and home.  And this has become imperative.  I'm down to my last few pennies and night time temps are dropping below 0 degrees Fahrenheit; it is quite probable that if I go to sleep at these temps that I won't awaken.

Please, say a few prayers for me and if you hear of something please, drop me a note.

Joke

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?  You get tweetment for bird flu and oinkment for swine flu.

I Quit

OK, this is going to be a long and involved post.

Pursuant to a discussion the other day, I was doing some serious listening to some Larry Norman music.  I've decided why I don't listen to him much.  He has a way with words, he's a good composer, but his voice grates on me.  Especially when he can't remember the words and throws a screechy "eeeyaaaw!" in.

Anyway, he does have a way with words.

IT'S ONLY TODAY THAT COUNTS

It ain't no good to lay in bed at night
And think about the past
About how you could have done things differently
But it happened way too fast.

Just close your eyes, go to sleep
Let the angels bring you dreams.
Let that pain unwind behind you
And float away, float away on silent streams.

You gotta live your life the best you can
Though you sometimes do your worst.
You gotta laugh when you fail, it's not the end of the world
Life is a play you can't rehearse.

Don't make big plans for tomorrow,
You can't control what lies ahead.
You must try to live each moment
As it comes instead.

There is no use dreaming of a perfect future
Or regretting a troubled past.
It's only today that counts
Live it like it might be your last.
It's only today that counts
Live it like it might be your last.

It never helps to worry, it never hurts to pray,
Tomorrow will come soon enough; just pray about today.
And relax, trust your life to God,
The future is in his hand,
Only faith will help you face each day's demands.

Ain't no use worrying, life goes so fast.
It's only today that counts
Live it like it might be your last.
It's only today that counts
Live it like it might be your last.

OK.

Vista Annoyance

In general I have liked Windows Vista.  It gave me new tools and options ("toys") to play with.  However, there is one major annoyance, and that is the fact that Vista "assumes" it knows how I want to look at my files and folders in Explorer.

Now, I'm sure that there are a lot of people that like this.  I'm certain that there are people out there that like the idea that Vista recognizes that a folder is full of photos and display all the photo info for them.  I'm confidant that there are people out there that are happy to let Vista recognize the Music folder and display all the album and artist info.

However, I like to see the file info.  I have always (in the past) set my computer to display full file details (roughly equivalent to the command "dir /o/p/a") in Explorer.  I know how to go into the properties of the folder and select the customize tab and tell Vista to use the "All Items" template, and how to set the view to "Details".

However, the problem I am currently having is that the templates are wrong somehow.  To actually use the "All Items" template I have to select the "Documents" template.  And the templates are not being inherited by the subfolders even though the box is checked.  And even more annoying is that once the view is customized the customization doesn't stay; it reverts to something different after some unknown but short period of time.

When I first started using Vista I found a utility that allowed me to set the customization globally, and after it was set Vista no longer changed things.  However, that was a while back and several computers ago, and I no longer recall the name of the utility or where I found it.  I have looked briefly, but haven't come across it, and as I recall I found it by accident before.

Does anyone know where I can find this handy tool?

Philosophy

I'm re-reading the Tarzan stories by Edgar Rice Burroughs, haven't read them in many years.  I'm going to try to paraphrase Tarzan's philosophy of life; he calls it the fatalism of the jungle:  One is either dead or alive, and until we are dead we should plan only upon continuing to live.   Take things as they come.

Jungle Book

Heh heh, saw Disney's Jungle Book the other day, the buzzard's singing about "Friends" was quite touching.

What friends?

I've been a bit down lately, friends are few (non-existent?) and far between.  And then I remembered this.  It helps, a little.

Joseph Scriven wrote this for his mother in 1865; she was alone in Ireland at the time while he was in Canada.

What a Friend We Have in Jesus

What a friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear!
What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer!
O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

Have we trials and temptations? Is there trouble anywhere?
We should never be discouraged; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Can we find a friend so faithful who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness; take it to the Lord in prayer.

Are we weak and heavy laden, cumbered with a load of care?
Precious Savior, still our refuge; take it to the Lord in prayer.
Do thy friends despise, forsake thee? Take it to the Lord in prayer!
In his arms he'll take and shield thee; thou wilt find a solace there.

Speaker for the Dead

I want a speaker for the dead; at the rate I'm going will probably need one soon.

This is what I think to be a good example of the thought provoking work that Orson Scott Card has done in his book "Speaker for the Dead".  This is the intro to Chapter 16.

A great rabbi stands teaching in the marketplace.  It happens that a husband finds proof that morning of his wife's adultery, and a mob carries her to the marketplace to stone her to death.  (There is a familiar version of this story, but a friend of mine, a speaker for the dead, has told me of two other rabbis that faced the same situation.  Those are the ones I'm going to tell you.)

The rabbi walks forward and stands beside the woman.  Out of respect for him the mob forbears, and waits with the stones heavy in their hands.  "Is there anyone here," he says to them, "who has not desired another man's wife, another woman's husband?"

They murmur and say, "We all know the desire.  But, Rabbi, none of us has acted on it."

The rabbi says, "Then kneel down and give thanks that God made you strong."  He takes the woman by the hand and leads her out of the market.  Just before he lets her go, he whispers to her, "Tell the lord magistrate who saved his mistress.  Then he'll know I am his loyal servant."

So the woman lives, because the community is too corrupt to protect itself from disorder.

Another rabbi, another city.  He goes to her and stops the mob, as in the other story, and says, "Which of you is without sin?  Let him cast the first stone."

The people are abashed, and they forget their unity of purpose in the memory of their own individual sins.  Someday, they think, I may be like this woman, and I'll hope for forgiveness and another chance.  I should treat her the way I wish to be treated.

As they open their hands and let the stones fall to the ground, the rabbi picks up one of the fallen stones, lifts it high over the woman's head, and throws it straight down with all his might.  It crushes her skull and dashes her brains onto the cobblestones.

"Nor am I without sin," he says to the people.  "But if we allow only perfect people to enforce the law, the law will soon be dead, and our city with it."

So the woman died because her community was too rigid to endure her deviance.

The famous version of this story is noteworthy because it is so startlingly rare in our experience.  Most communities lurch between decay and rigor mortis, and when they veer too far, they die.  Only one rabbi dared to expect of us such a perfect balance that we could preserve the law and still forgive the deviation.  So, of course, we killed him.

Quaint

Drove thru a quaint little town a few days ago.  Must now be less than 1000 residents, but in a farming region, so I would guess that most of the people that call it home don't actually live in town.  Still.

One of the larger stores is the local sporting goods outlet.  You can rent your tux for your prom or wedding there, buy your new deer rifle or the ammo for it there, buy work boots, or sit around bs'ing with the good ole boys.  The stores name?  He-Mart.

Next door to the He-Mart is the local movie theater.  Now showing: Inglorious Bast$$$s.  Really, that is exactly what the sign said.

And I almost forgot: "Wally's Market - consistently low prices every day"  Maybe they were consistent; consistently about double the price at WalMart last time I checked.  But the nearest WalMart that I was aware of was over 100 miles away.

Half the Post office is now a local bank.  The Main entrance leads into the bank.  You wanted to mail a letter?  Oh, you want the side entrance.

Met some really nice and helpful folks there.  Really, a nice town.  If I thought I could find steady work there I would have tried to stay, but I really don't want to be in Ag related work, no I really don't.  But it is good to see that towns like this still exist.  Places are known by the name of the original owner.  "Oh, that's Bjornson's place.  I don't recall who lives there now, is it Jackson?  Don't remember.  They have 600 acres in potatoes."

Half the buildings on Main Street are empty.  I didn't notice that any were boarded up, but looking thru the windows you can see that the roofs are leaking, ceilings collapsing.   It is sad that small town America has to die like this, but I don't know what anyone can do about it.  They are very traditional.  When I asked why they did something a certain way, I was told that is the way it has always been done.  When I pointed out that there might be a different way I was told that the old way works ok so there is no need to look for a better way.  And that was from a farmer with a college degree.  So be it.  And I liked his bumper sticker, he was laughing at me as he showed it to me: "My Tractor costs more than your sports car".  I didn't ask him how much he owed on his tractor.  The 5 that I saw were all gigantic, steering by bending in the middle, quad tires on each corner, GPS controlled to within an inch.  You tell it what field you are working in and it will run the planter down the exact same rows as it it will run the harvester down in 6 months.  No steering, the 'driver' sits there and watches the tractor drive itself.  Damn.  But imagine what happens if the satellite signal goes down.  It does happen in bad weather, then the operator drives it back to the edge of the field, gets in his truck and goes home.  Farming still depends on the weather.

Learning time

Well, I'm beginning to learn a few things about myself, including the fact that I can actually live without contact with so-called 'civilization' for days on end.  And enjoy it!

But I did have the opportunity to take a break from my retreat, so I'm spending a day in a large city in the midwest in a hotel room catching up with the world and researching answers to some of the questions I have asked myself the last week.

There are times when it is tempting to be a neo-luddite, and technology can be perverted by the dark side, but technology in and of itself is neither good nor evil, technology is amoral.  The people who use the technology have to supply the morals, have to take responsibility for their own actions and use of the technology.

20-some years ago when we looked for a place to live and landed in Itasca County, we made phone calls and sent letters to chambers of commerces and got phone directories and other info from the places we were interested in.  And this process all took time.  Now, with just the click of the mouse button and a few characters typed on the keypad I can google a city, check its vital stats including employment and crime trends and cross the location off my list or add it to a list for further research.

When I switched careers last from mechanic to computer tech, the Internet had just been born and was mostly a sea of BBS's.  Alta Vista was trying to index the web.  But a lot of data was not available online, or even if it was no-one knew where to find it.  Trying to track down employment trends and skills trends took days of work and help from the people at the Job Search office who had access to their special databases that the public couldn't access.

Now anyone with a few moments of internet access can readily see that the Dept of Labor is predicting that the job outlook for Medical Transcriptionists is going to grow at a rapidly accelerating pace because the aging of America will require more people to visit Dr offices requiring more dictation to be transcribed.  Personally, I think that the DOL has water on the brain, but the fact is, ANYONE can look it up in a matter of moments.

So, time to get busy looking for the answers to those questions.  Things like
Where shall I live, and how shall I pay the bills when I get there?  And who am I?  And how can I prove that I am a US citizen?  Just simple things like that.

Don't Panic

For some reason, some people seem to panic when they don't hear from me for a couple of days, so I'm tellin' ya now, don't. I will be out of touch with civilization for the next 2 - 3 weeks. I'm leaving early Friday morning, don't know if I will have any access at all to internet or email or cell service, pretty remote area where I'm going.

So, we'll have to catch up in a few weeks, do not panic.

Out

Been a bit out of the loop the last few days. Not sure why, but no ambition the last few days, sleeping quite a bit more than normal. Still no ambition, but need to get a few things done, got leads on a couple of jobs that I need to apply for, so I'm trying to crawl back into the race.

Remember, eyes forward, one foot in front of the other, one step at a time.

Sunset

Just had to share the beautiful sunset tonight with everyone. Don't know why, but I've just noticed that I seem to have a habit of taking pictures while driving at the speed limit, or maybe even just a little, ahem, over.

A gorgeous early fall sunset in Northern MN.

It's Over

Well, as of now the divorce is final.  The paperwork needs to be typed up and filed, but effective about 5:15 PM today the divorce is final.

No winners here.  Looking back over the 28 years (plus a few months) that we were together, a great deal of everything that we built is now gone.  However, trying to be positive about it, we did raise 4 children to adulthood together.  There were quite a few mistakes along the way; and if I could do it over again I would change a few things, but we were successful (I think) in raising four productive members of society.  That in itself should be ranked as a pretty good accomplishment considering society these days.

However, I'm coming out of this with some huge debts, no job, and almost nothing in the way of resources in an economy that is the worst it has been in my lifetime, I think.  This is very depressing, especially when I look back to a year ago and remember that we were sitting on top of the world, with a great job, property, and almost no debt.

I still don't know where I'm going to go from here.  I really can't live in my car much longer, but I also have no prospects for work at the moment.  I have no income, no medical insurance.  I'm now out of the anti-depressants and tranquilizers that I have been taking for the last few months trying to get thru this, and no way to buy more.  I need to find someplace to put the few belongings that I have been awarded in the settlement, but don't know where.  I was looking forward to possibly retiring in a few years, but that is out of the question now.

So, at this point I need to take stock of who I am, what I have, what I am capable of, where I am at, and decide what I will do.

This will be quite the challenge.

Beautiful Day

Had an absolutely beautiful day at the park today.  Good company, good conversation, good shade, great day.  It was a sunny warm day, upper 70's perhaps, with a light breeze.  Won't see too many more of them this year this far north.

What a day!

Forward

Gotta keep reminding myself to look forward. I think that part of my problem is that all I can do right now is wait. I can do almost nothing until 9/21, and until that is settled I have no way to look past that date.

What I need is a diversion. What can I do between now and 9/21? Something to keep me occupied. I can't exercise any of my hobbies, Betty has my library and my guitars and my rifles and my reloading equipment and my swords and my music and my records and my woodworking tools and my mechanics tools and my tractor and my pickup and my wagon and my Ventura and my bicycle and...well, you get the idea (although why she won't let me have any of it escapes my reasoning, she can't use any of it). And my attention span on the PC is very short right now, and if I run into a computer problem I get frustrated really fast. I still need to relax some more. The only thing I have is the car, and I don't have gas or insurance for it right now, so I can't take it for a drive or go to Bemidji or Duluth or someplace different. I would try doing some wood carving, but my pocket knife is very dull and Betty won't let me have my knife sharpener (again, why? Is it just spite? Dog in the manger?).

Somehow I need to figure out how to do nothing and enjoy it, but when I'm doing nothing then my mind starts going, and when I run out of "forward" space I start to focus on the rear view mirror again.

I need something to dooo!!!!!!!! before I go any crazier than I already am.

Rediscover Your Inner Gift

Just found this article on MSNBC; if I could have copied it here I would have but it's done in flash.

Rediscover Your Inner Gift

Warm

Well, I needed to go to the store to get a present for a friend, and then I was going to drop it off.  Walked about 2 miles and turned around and headed back for my friendly shade.  I did get the present.

It's only about 70 degrees, but the humidity is up and there is not a cloud in the sky, and just enough breeze to make the leaves quiver a bit on the popple.  I am soaking wet from head to toe, and I mean soaking wet.  I'll bet you could wring a quart of sweat out of my shirt and jeans right now.

If I wasn't so totally out of energy I would get out my shorts and go to a lake.  But instead I think I will take a nap in the shade.

Moving Pains

With the move from hosting this on my own website to having it hosted on a free website comes quite a few changes. I can't make this look like the old one, which, whether you liked it or not, was laid out the way I liked it, for my convenience. Can't do that here. Also, the plugins that I used for the photo galleries don't work here, nor did the photos from the galleries come over.

So, I have to do a lot of rebuilding. I have all the pictures from the old website, I just need to rebuild the pages that contained them and upload them here. BTW, kudos to the support staff here at wordpress.com. When I asked them for help, they were able to transfer all the photos that were actually in the blog entries from the old website to here. For me, those would have been difficult, I would need to go thru over 400 posts and look for the missing photo and download it and upload it and re-link it. Wordpress Support took care of those. I just need to go thru the 17 pages and take care of the photos on them.

On another subject of moving, my guess is that I will almost certainly be heading for the Metro area to look for work after the divorce is final. Here in the northern part of the state there are only a handful of employers that can use my skills, and I know most of my counterparts in those positions. In the Twin Cities Metro area there are 100's of companies that can use my talent, and quite a few of them have hundreds of employees doing what I do, so there are lots of possibilities there. And like I said before, I need to get out of the Grand Rapids area, just too many memories here. I wouldn't mind going to Bemidji to be closer to the kids and close to a 4 year college, but again, there are only a couple of employers with only a couple of jobs and I know several of those folks up there already.

And it's kinda frustrating. I've been applying in every place for any job I know I can do. I've applied at WalMart and been interviewed for a job, but since I know and they know that I could be making almost 10 times the salary in my profession they don't want to hire me and train me knowing that I will be leaving soon. Home Depot, same story. KMart, same story. Holiday, same story. 99 cent store, same story, and the list is very long. For the month that I haven't been at the hospital I have applied for at least 150 jobs in Grand Rapids and Bemidji, and gotten back similar responses from about half.

So, I need to be looking forward. It is sooo easy to look back and wonder what I could have should have would have done differently, but I need to look forward. Somewhere out there is a place for me that involves less stress, uses my talents productively, and gets me where I want to be. I need to be looking forward. Just like in a car, you have to be looking and planning for the road and traffic ahead while being aware of what's in the mirror. But if you focus on the mirror and don't look ahead you will be in trouble in a second. For the last six months I've been focused on the mirror, and look where it has gotten me. I'm finally starting to look forward again, and I need to keep my focus out there in front of me and determine where and what I'm going to do.

Because I'm an introspective type of person I need to analyze the why and how of everything. It is very very easy for me to focus my attention and my problem solving power on the past, trying to analyze where and how I went wrong. However, it doesn't help a lot when I start trying to relive the past. It's good to know how and why I went wrong, but once that has been determined it does no good to keep worrying over it. I need to take the lesson to heart and start analyzing the why and how of my life ahead using those lessons from the past. What does it say up above? "Experience is knowing a lot of things you shouldn't do again". OK, so I've had the experience, now it's time to move forward without repeating the same mistakes.

I probably don't have the quote right, and I don't recall where it came from but I wish I did. As I recall, it was from a scifi story about time travel: "The mind goes back, but time goes on, and farewells should be forever."

Time to start moving forward. There are a few loose ends from the recent past that need to be wrapped up, but then I will be moving forward. There are better things out there ahead for me, I just need to go out and get them. I know it won't be easy. I need to prepare myself for a long tough road ahead, but I can't do that by looking in the rear view mirror. I can only prepare myself for the road ahead by watching the road ahead, aware of what has gone on before and brought me to this place. But focused ahead!

Addenda Just discovered that only the photos from the last 6 months were moved over, whether in pages or blog posts, so I still need to do everything before then. It will take me a LONG time because I don't get much Internet time. But, I need to do it ASAP because right now the ONLY copies of these photos are on my old laptop.

Benediction: Changes and Decisions

It's sad, but it seems that all good things must come to an end. In another couple of days www.hartshorn.org will cease to exist. For over ten years I have kept this domain name (after losing the .net and .com domains) but now that I can no longer afford such frivolities (thanks, Betty!) it will go the way of the dodo.

In less than two weeks (hopefully!) the divorce will be final. I'm still not certain what I will do at that point, but my feeling is that I will follow the wild geese. One thing is certain: I can no longer remain in Northern MN. There are good memories and bad everywhere I glance, and the conflicting memories are tearing me apart.   So, I will go in search of the River Lethe.   I doubt I will be able to find it, but with time the memories will fade and the wounds should scar over.  There are lots of job opportunities (and more housing) down in the Metro area, so I may go there.

I am closing most of my email accounts, but I will keep my original Hotmail account that I have had since HoTMaiL was begun in 1996.

Starting NOW the only way anyone will be able to contact is is via my Hotmail address or via comment on this blog.  I will not be carrying a cell phone (can't afford the bill now), but free internet access is available almost everywhere now. I'm hoping that this 10 year old laptop will last a while yet, and if it does die there are libraries and other places out there that allow the public to use the computer, so I should be able to check my email at least occasionally.

May the LORD bless you and keep you;
May the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
May the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26

T-Storms

5 PM: Maybe thunderstorms moving into area, kinda hope so. Grass around town is starting to look kinda dried up.

7:30 PM: They all seem to be sliding up to the north of us, but maybe if the front slides east just a few more miles....

Wednesday: False Alarm so far.  Well, OK, we had a brief shower this morning.

Labor Day

Well, I'm pretty proud of myself.  I think I have spent an entire 3 day weekend without doing anything constructive.  I can't even remember the last time I attempted that.  Read 3 books, did a little fishing, took a couple of naps.  Didn't fix anything or teach anyone or fetch anything.  And I think I'm going to turn in early tonight.  Have a busy rest of the week, I'll be paying for these days of sloth I know.

Jus' Sittin'

Well, wish I were, anyways. But I think I might be sitting under the trees watching the Mississippi River roll by today. Wish I had my guitar handy.  Phone is off, not checking email or news, Just gonna do MY thing today and try to forget the rest of the mess.

THE DOCK OF THE BAY
written by Otis Redding and Steve Cropper

Sittin' in the mornin' sun
I'll be sittin' when the evenin' come
Watching the ships roll in
And then I watch 'em roll away again, yeah

I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Ooo, I'm just sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

I left my home in Georgia
Headed for the 'Frisco bay
'Cause I've had nothing to live for
And look like nothin's gonna come my way

So I'm just gonna sit on the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Ooo, I'm sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

Look like nothing's gonna change
Everything still remains the same
I can't do what ten people tell me to do
So I guess I'll remain the same, yes

Sittin' here resting my bones
And this loneliness won't leave me alone
It's two thousand miles I roamed
Just to make this dock my home

Now, I'm just gonna sit at the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
Oooo-wee, sittin' on the dock of the bay
Wastin' time

Weekend

Got to go to Bemidji Saturday and see some of the kids; was a lot of fun.  Wish I could have spent more time visiting.

Went with Patty and Evvy and Phillip to Paul Bunyan Mall to see "The World At Night" exhibition.  I sometimes wonder if I've seen it more than most of the locals; I'm absolutely fascinated by some of the photography.  Pushed Phillip all over the Mall.  Had a great discussion with Patty about English Litt.

Today (Sunday) I went up 38 and stopped at the Laurentian Divide site.  Took the hiking trail and got to see the ice road and some huge fungi growing out of rotting stumps.  It was nice and calm and peaceful back in the woods, a nice contrast to the way my life has been lately.  Spent most of the day dreaming under the trees.  Still not too good at having fun by myself but am re-learning how to relax.

Gorgeous weather this weekend, mid 70's with light fluffy clouds; perfect for spending time outdoors.

Tough weekend

I didn't even realize it until this afternoon, but this is Labor Day Weekend.  Normally, I would be getting ready for a big BBQ family gathering with lots of visiting and fun, one of the highlights of my year.  It was 21 years ago that we arrived in Grand Rapids, and it's supposed to be our big celebration.

So, now I'm really depressed.  I mean, it hurts, it brings tears to my eyes.

Foot Update

Gotten a little behind on this one, which is not to wondered at considering how much is going on in my life.

Got my new orthotics a couple of weeks ago.  It was recommended that I wear them one hour the first day, two hours the second day, three hours the third day, and so on until I could wear them full time.

Ha!  On the first day I fully intended wearing them only one hour, but I think it was three hours before I finally took them out of my shoe.  Then I forgot to put them in the next day.  Question:  Should one put them in at 7AM and then take them out; or put them in at noon, or put them in x hours before bed time?  That was my question.  They weren't part of my morning routine, so they didn't get installed in the morning.  By noon I had forgotten all about it.  I think it was three days before I remembered to put the orthotics in again, and then I wore them for about six hours.   They didn't give me any trouble.  I then forgot for a couple more days, and the next time I remembered to put them in I left them in.  I have been wearing them all day every day for a week and haven't had a bit of trouble.

One thing I did that I think may have been helpful, I'd like to check with a podiatrist but haven't had the opportunity.  As soon as I found out the reason why I walk with my toes pointed out I started to make a conscious effort to keep my toes pointed straight.  It took a few weeks, but eventually I was doing it most of the time, and I believe that exercise in conjunction with the PSC helped make a better transition.

And yes, my back and legs and feet notice the difference!

Another Pioneer Passes

Dick Eagan, the “E”in EMC², died August 29, 2009 after a long battle with cancer.  The Press release can be found here.

StrengthFinder 2.0

While at the Public Library last week I picked up a book titled "Now, Discover Your Strengths". The book was the result of MANY polls and MUCH research done by Gallup. It was a good read with some very good points, the biggest of which, in my opinion, is that people (and organizations) need to spend more time working from a position of strength rather than weakness.

For example. lets suppose that I can rate talent and work both on a scale of 1 to 5. I have a talent for X that is weak, say a 1. But If I work and practice I may get my strength up to maybe a 3. 3*1=3. OK, then let's say I have a talent Y that is very strong, a 5. If I work just as hard as I did with with X I can get my strength up to 5*3=15! So clearly, it makes sense to work on your strengths, and (get this!) partner with someone who is strong where you are weak!

The original book has now been replaced by "StrengthsFinder 2.0". There is an example in the new book of a person who had the ability to make 100 pairs of shoes per week, but because he had to spend so much time at sales and collections (which he hated) he only could make 30 pairs a week. So, he got a partner who was good at collections and sales, and focused on his natural ability to make good shoes and more than tripled his income.

Point being, what do we normally do? In my case, I'm not very good at relating to others. So, I get sent to classes to teach me how to manage and relate, both things I am not good at and dislike. And I get marked down in reviews because I don't have very good communication and delegation skills. What should be happening is that I should be able to partner with someone that has the skills I lack and let me focus on improving my natural talents of learning and thinking.

Here is the brief summary of my strengths in relative order; anyone that has known me very long will recognize these:

Learner: The excitement is in the process of learning.
Intellection: Likes meaningful conversation; eschews idle chit-chat.
Input: Craving to know more.
Deliberative: Think about things first.
Ideation: Likes to find new and better ways to do things.

By the way, this aligns with some freebie tests I've taken on the Internet such as the Keirsey and Myers-Briggs. However, to get detailed results you need to spend $30-$50 for the results. The "StrengthsFinder 2.0" book cost me less than $20 (including shipping) from Amazon.com and includes the Internet test (maxed out my Visa to get it, but figure it is well worth it). Yes, you can pay over $1500 on the website and hire a personal coach to work directly with you if you wish.

Next stage: Learn how to exploit my strengths and find someone who can cover for my weaknesses.

Fall

Fall is definitely in the air.  Low temps are getting down to the 30's and the leaves are starting to change.

PBM

Was in Bemidji most of the day today, while there I stopped in Paul Bunyan Mall for a bit. Right in front of JC Penny is an exhibit called "The World At Night" which has all sorts of fascinating photographic images of the night time sky, stars, aurora, etc. My two faves were "Top of Mauna Kea" by Wally Pacholka and "Analemma" by Tunc Tezel. "Mauna Kea" is a panoramic image of the milky way that has both Polaris and the Southern Cross in it; and "Analemma" is exactly what the name means; a photographic record of the suns travel across the sky over a year. What makes this photo unique is that it includes a total eclipse of the sun that occurred during the analemma. Wow!

Fishing again

Went fishing again below Pokegama Dam. In almost 3 hours one other person had a very small something (6" maybe) get away and another person caught a very small fish, might have been the same one.  Was moving to try below Blandin Dam but got interrupted.  I did catch some pretty awesome weedfish though!

Rain

Looks like summer is already over.  Last week we had hot sunny days in the 80's and 90's, this week so far it has been 60's and rain.  6 PM and raining now.

Hot?

High temps today and for next few days (thru Friday) supposed to be in upper 80's low 90's.  Think I should look for a swimming hole after work.  Maybe Kom-On-In Beach?  Might be pretty crowded, dunno.  I know one thing, I ain't gonna be sitting around the house, and I don't really want to stay at my desk until it cools off.

NCMFAAA

I think this must be the first time in what, 15+ years I haven't attended the NCMFAAA show in Blackberry.  But, I got a lot done at work and feel like I accomplished some things.  Still need to get a lot more done, but my work is never done anyways, so why worry.

What I really need is some stress-free down time, some time when I can relax and not think or worry about 'stuff'.  Like that will ever happen, I think it must be against my religion or something.  Last time I had any stress free down-time was when I was a paying guest here at work, and I really don't want to do that again.

Fishing take two

Got my fishing/hunting license, got my tackle sorted out, got my reel reloaded with fresh line. Think I'll go look for a place to go fishing, if it doesn't rain too much. T-storms in forecast.

Much later: Spent a few hours a couple hundred yards downstream from Pokegama Dam. Not a nibble or anything, but was relaxing just to listen and see the running water.

Fishing

Ya know, just realized today that this is the first time in many years I haven't bought my Sportsman License before my birthday; just too much happening. Will have to try to remedy that this weekend; I need to go fishing.

Mustang by firelight

Ferret Madness

Car Show

Found time to get to the car show for a couple of hours, was otherwise kept busy moving and repairing stuff.  I didn't get many photos, but here are a few.

1968 Fairlane GT

The wheels on the 68 Fairlane were cool looking, they have a gold tint over the chrome.

There were several AMX's around.

A nice Falcon

I've always preferred the Ranchero over the El Camino, must be because I'm a Ford person.

Wish the rattler in this photo had turned out better.

Mustang Shelby GT

A Twin Turbo Big Block Chevelle

Nice wagon

Almost forgot this Dodge truck I saw in the WalMart parking lot.  Hard to see in the photo, but the cab has been extended and a third door added on the passenger side.  It also has a 5th wheel hitch in the bed.  Very nice paint and detailing.

Great!

Busy weekend.  It's the last weekend in July, so it's time for the swap meet and car shows at the fairgrounds and at the IRA.  That usually takes up my entire weekend, Friday afternoon thru Sunday afternoon.  However, I've double the pleasure this weekend, because Betty and I are taking a shot at reconciliation, so I'm moving back to the Farm to my own little mini apartment there.

Say a prayer for us please that we will be able to communicate with each other and understand each other.  It won't be easy, because we have both been changed a great deal over the last 6 months, but we both feel it is worth a serious attempt.   We have a great deal to gain by staying together, and a great deal to lose by divorcing.

Weight loss tips

Found what I think is an excellent set of weight loss tips today:
http://liujiaoourhealth.blogspot.com/2008/11/50-weight-loss-tips.html

Pouring rain outside; missed my lunch time walk.

DQ Cruise 7/9

Stormy rainy weather kept most people and cars away from the Cruise last night. There were three other regular cars besides mine plus a handful of new ones I hadn't seen before. Several owners were there without their cars; and I heard that the Itasca County contingent that raced at Brainerd last weekend had mixed results, with most of them being eliminated in the very early rounds but with a handful going all the way and a couple even winning class.

This is a 1970 Fairlane 500, the last year of the Fairlane. This is original, kinda rough but still going and definitely restorable.

Foot update

This morning I saw the guy that will be fitting my orthotics. He took a cast of my feet by carefully pressing my feet down into some styrofoam-like substance, similar to the stuff that flower arrangers use. As he pressed my feet in he rotated and rearranged my foot and ankle so that the cast now has a shape that should be similar to what my arch should be like.

A couple of interesting items. He asked if I sprained my ankles a lot when I was a child, I said yes. Damage to the ligaments and tendons of the foot and ankle can cause problems like mine. He also noted that because I have walked 'funny' for so many years I will be starting to exercise new parts of my body that haven't seen activity before. Odds are good that I will be in rehab at least a couple of times to learn how to exercise and stretch the appropriate muscles and tendons and that I will be in some pain until things start to shape up.

Three to four weeks before the orthotics are ready. In the meantime I am going to walk as much as I can with my schedule because I'm sure there will be some down time while I get used to the new regime.

Fireworks

Went to Bemidji Saturday to see the fireworks. I admit, I haven't been to very many fireworks displays the last few years, they got kinda boring and it was more fun to do our own. So I was bit surprised by the show.

It lasted a full 30 minutes, and included smiley and heart shapes, as well as what I called the 'flower explosion' and the 'weeping willow'; I have no idea what they are supposed to be called. I tried to take some photos, but I left my camera in the car and was reduced to using my phone, and not my good phone either because the battery was dead on it, This was the best I could do:

Before the fireworks we walked a few blocks to the DQ and got a snack. Phillip really gets into his ice cream cone:

There are several rosebushes in the DQ parking lot and they were in full bloom:

It was a beautiful evening and I really enjoyed the show.

DQ Cruise Night

Well, it was another beautiful evening for the DQ Cruise. The Race Cars were on their way to Brainerd, so it was a different crowd this time around. We had 3 other Mustangs than mine show up, a pretty red one that I believe was a '66, a black 67 numbers correct driven up from the Twin Cities, the yellow '93, and my 2006. The Blue Roush Stage 3 drove thru very early in the evening but didn't stay, darn it.

The Pinto guy brought two, a hatchback and a wagon. There was a 73 Vega Kammback that had a 350 V8 with Monza running gear and drive train, very correct and very fast (dynoed at 350 HP). And a smattering of other cars. Enjoy the photos!

A tiny bit of trivia here. Early Pinto and Vega front bumpers look very much the same. The easiest way to tell them apart is that the bolts on the outside right and left of the bumper are in different locations: the Vega bolts are in the front of the bumper, while the Pinto has the bolts on the side. There are other major differences, but this is the easiest to spot and can easily be seen in a photo.

I wish...

I wish I had learned this years ago (there's actually a whole list of things that should go in the category, but that's another post). I have a serious problem with my feet; the arches have collapsed, and they have been that way for quite a while. Now that I have seriously started walking for exercise I am feeling the pain in my feet and legs. So, I went to see a podiatrist (specialist in foot problems).

I learned that there are supposed to be two arches in the foot, one that you see from the side (actually composed of the lateral and medial arch) and one you should see from the front or toe, the transverse arch. I've been trying to find pictures that illustrate the problem, but this is the best I've found:

When the arches fall, several things happen. One is that the ankle is rotated out of position causing the toes to point out (duck walk). Another problem is that you could say that the arch is the spring for your step, and when you lose the arch the shock of each step is carried by the toes and the ankle and the knee.

Which explains why I have always walked with my toes out, and why I have ankle and knee problems.

The first thing the podiatrist did was show me how to wear the PSC by www.fabrifoam.com. This device (kinda like a fancy, specialized ACE bandage) lifts the arch and helps the foot and ankle move towards a more natural alignment. And it does help, which I found hard to believe at first, but I can easily walk twice as far without pain.

The next step occurs next week, when I see a specialist who will build me a set of custom orthotics to wear in my shoes that will lift and support the arch. My podiatrist tells me that they will be very painful at first until my feet get used to the new positioning, but in the long run I will be much more comfortable.

I'll let you know.:)

Boring

Yah, not much going on these days. Mostly just work and work some more. Spent all day Saturday at work, and here I am again on Sunday at work. Beats twiddling my thumbs. No money to go anywhere or do anything, can't sleep around the clock, so I work. I've read all 10 or 15 of the books in my possession in the last week. I suppose if I had a portable TV I might watch some, but not too likely. So, I work. Yep, pretty boring.

I shaved my beard off Saturday morning; by the time I was done I had already decided that I've got to grow it back. I just don't look like 'me' without a beard. That's the kind of stuff that happens when you are bored; that's why I'm working. Less opportunity to get into trouble.

DQ Cruise 6/26

It was a beautiful evening for a DQ Cruise night.


I had the opportunity to park next to a early Mustang.

A very nice Chevy Pro Street with custom Frame and a Dart Engine stopped in.

A Pinto came over from Hibbing, the guy owns I believe he said 8 running and 4 parts Pintos.

A couple (husband/wife?) rode in on a couple of nice Honda's.

A few other photos:

dotMobi

I've just installed the dotMobi plugin. It allows for better browsing from mobile devices (which is nice) and also allows posting from mobile devices which is really nice. So I'm posting from my phone to see how it looks and works.

And it does appear to work, but it also appears that the non-mobile interface is messed up.

I see that the developers are still working on compatibilty issues with the current version of WordPress, so hopefully it may get fixed soon. In the meantime it is definitly very usable; I can easily work around the broken stuff. Wahoo! I can finally blog from my phone!

Diet

Reading yesterdays post makes me think I'm probably a bit depressed.  Yah, I sure am quite a bit depressed, but this too shall pass.  I hope.

I've been working on a diet for the last few weeks, averaging about one pound per day weight loss over the last four weeks.  I've also been studying up on diets and nutrition, something I've not bothered with in the past.  And I think I've learned a few things.

1. Calories are important, but not as important as timing.  Research shows that maintaining an even flow of calories during the day is extremely important.  When you eat just "3 squares" you body gets hungry in between.  When the body gets hungry it goes into "famine" mode, and starts storing fat and slowing down the metabolism to conserve energy.  If you eat less but more often the body never gets hungry and the metabolism actually ramps up, burning more calories.

2. Stay away from the center of the store.  Most of the "good" foods are usually found on the perimeter of the grocery store:  Meats, Dairy, Vegetables.

3. Get some exercise regularly.  I'm trying to walk at least 30 minutes per day and not while I'm working but when I can focus on a brisk walk.  It's difficult right now because of my foot problems, I'm hoping that problem will get better after my podiatrist appointment next week.  And jumping to conclusions is NOT an acceptable exercise.

4. Can the soda pop.  This may be the hardest part for me.  For 30+ years I have consumed between 1 and 3 liters of Coca Cola every single day.  I like my Coke.  It keeps me going.  Here's what I'm trying to do.  I drink an 8 ounce glass of Coke in the morning, and once or twice a week I allow myself a double Rum & Coke.  The rest of the time I'm drinking water with Crystal Lite Energy.  Crystal Lite is cheaper than Coke anyways.  This way I still get my daily fix of Coca Cola as well as getting enough caffeine to keep me awake, at least some of the time.  Yeah, it's not as good an answer as totally cutting out the Coke, but I'm hoping it will work as an acceptable compromise, at least for now.  Maybe later I can cut the Coke down to just Special (Rum & Coke) Occasions.   I have noticed that with my reduced consumption of soda pop that my night time leg cramps have vanished, which should help me sleep better.  Right.  I think I got three hours sleep last night.

I've found a couple of useful items during my research.  One is the www.my-calorie-counter.com website, subject of an earlier blog posting.  I use it mostly to count calories and journal my weight loss.  Yes, I am counting calories, but mostly because I've never noticed them before and I'm trying to learn how to eat a more nutritionally balanced diet.  But, I may not be using it much longer.  I have found the "Abs Diet" which combines diet and exercise, and they supply a huge list of recommended foods.  I'm planning on ordering the book in the very near future, along with the "Eat This, Not That" Supermarket Survival Guide which compares and contrasts the nutritional values of foods.

An interesting factiod I just picked up:  Drink a high protein shake just before exercise.  It will give you more energy to exercise with and will also help increase your metabolism during and after the exercise.

One of my problems is that I have alway been a "3 Squares" person, that's how I was raised.  And, that is how work is structured.  But, with the help of info from the "Abs Diet" I'm going to figure out a shake that I can drink at work for the snack times.  Since I'm on an 1800 calorie per day diet I am trying to average at about 360 calories during each of 5 meals or three 400 calorie meals and 2 300 calorie meals.  I want to see if I can do two of these meals with shakes, the thicker the better.  And take my walk after I consume one of the shakes.  We'll see, I need to do some more research and need to be able to buy some groceries before I can do this stage of the diet.  I'll let you know what happens.

Weekend

A very boring weekend. Spent the entire weekend by myself, mostly napping and reading and trying to keep cool and dry thru the hot, humid, t-stormy weather. It's kinda weird having no-one to talk to except myself, any interactions I have with others right now is pretty much limited to business transactions "That will be $4.45". "Change is 55 cents" "Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart" . And I'm getting tired of talking to myself. I keep running thru scenarios in my head. I wonder what would have happened if I had done this or that. What might happen if I do this or that. Why the hell did I do this or that. And then sometimes I just sit and cry, I don't really know why, but it just starts and won't stop. I'm beginning to wonder if I'm losing something. I can't seem to make sense of things anymore. People at work ask me to do something and the words just don't seem to make any sense. I'm sitting here staring at a script I wrote a year ago and it doesn't make sense. I need to modify it slightly, they want an extra option, but I can't figure out how or why. I can't get to sleep at night, I read for hours and finally doze off, then I wake up suddenly and can't get back to sleep because I'm wide awake. But sitting here at work I keep falling asleep. I've hit my head on my keyboard twice today. If I have to drive much over 15 minutes I find myself nodding off and have to pull over to the side and get up and walk for a few minutes before I can drive on again. It seems like all I do is sit at my desk at work and stare at the computer screen or I'm sitting in my car trying to sleep or I'm sleeping while I'm trying to drive. And that's about all I do. And my thoughts keep going around and around in the same track. Why did I do this. Why didn't I do that. What could I have done differently. My boss has called me several times today asking me about this or that project that I'm supposed to be doing, and I just don't have an answer and I don't seem to care that I don't have an answer and I don't care that I don't care that I don't have an answer. I've gone from not delegating any work at all to delegating everything. I just don't care anymore. Doesn't seem to matter what or if I do anything, nothing works, nothing changes, nothing matters anymore. I thought I had my life fairly well sorted out and knew what I was doing and where I was going, but now all that is gone and I'm just drifting. I can't get to where I want to go and I don't want to go anywhere else and the obstacles between me and where I want to go are just so huge and so out of my control that there's no way I'm ever going to get there. And it wasn't all that long ago that my road to the goal was clear and everything was moving in the right direction and the goal was getting closer. Now I don't have a snowballs chance in hell of making any of my goals. And I STILL don't know what happened to change everything. Its like I went to bed one night and everything was peachy and when I woke up in the morning everything was shot to hell. Its like I never woke up from a nightmare. I run and I run in my nightmare but my feet just slip on the ground and I never go anywhere. I talk to people, I scream for help in my nightmare but no sound comes out of my mouth. I reach out to grab a lifeline in my nightmare and I don't have any hands. People talk to me in my nightmare and I only hear gibberish, or maybe Etruscan, I can't tell the difference anyways. If I'm not already insane I think I will be soon. I just don't get it. And the only person I can talk to about it is myself. And I just don't get it.

Collage

I'm sitting in the parking lot of the Public Library waiting for dark, then I can go find a quiet place to park for the night.  All around GR are T-Storms.

Can hear the thunder from the one just to the southwest.  Think that one will miss us, but who knows what else might pop up?  Had a pretty good one last night, for a few moments I was wishing I had a houseboat instead of a Mustang.

So, I'm sitting here, reflecting over the past week.

Last nights DQ Cruise was pretty quiet.  T-Storms were in the forecast, so a lot of cars and people stayed home.  There were a couple of highlights though.

This 1969 Mustang is for sale, less than 200 miles on a new 351W crate motor.  Absolutely a gorgeous car.

And my 2006 Mustang

There were several Street/Strip cars that showed up, the blue Charger, the blue S-10, the yellow SS.  They are all getting ready to go racing at Brainerd over the 4th of July weekend.  And I found out something.  On many Wednesday nights you can race your street car at Brainerd.  cost is just $20.  Requires that the car be street legal and that you wear a Snell approved helmet.  You can run as many times as you want from 5 PM until dark for the $20.  I think I'm going to go.  I've wanted to know what this car and I can do, and this is the proper venue to explore that.  I'm hoping I can afford to go July 1st.

This time of being by myself has given me lots of opportunity to explore my psyche.  I haven't learned much yet, except that the peace and quiet are restful to a point but I miss some excitement in my life.  And that "restful" does not equate to getting enough rest; I'm exhausted all the time.  But I must do what I must do.

I was working on the podiatrists laptop this week, and took the opportunity to ask him about my feet.  I've been trying to do a bit of walking, but the foot and ankle and leg pain are just killing me.  And I LIKE to walk.  I've walked at least 10 miles in the last 5 days.

To make a long story short, I made an appointment to see the podiatrist.  My feet show definite signs of a problem, and he knows he can help me surmount the problem.  Isn't for a couple of weeks though.  Basically, my feet have lost their "spring", so the muscles, joints, and tendons of my ankles and legs are getting all the shock.  And adding padding (which is what I've been doing) isn't going to help.

T-Storms are moving, think I will also. Buenos Noches.